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Barnacles and Such

     Talking about whales leads me to, if memory serves, the fact that they carry 3-inch lice (which give them their mottled gray/white skin appearance) and the subject of  human barnacles.

     Yes, this is a tawdry subject and one ma and pa never told you about. But from middle age on, you will likely experience more trips to the dermatologist to have barnacles removed from your face, hands, neck, chest, back, legs . . . did I leave anything out?

     I clearly remember my father, somewhere in his 50s or 60s, infested with ugly moles and growths that had never dared to blemish his smooth thick skin in youth. It was getting icky just to kiss him on the cheek.

     Imagine my relief when, one day, he appeared buggerless!

     If you continue to read this, you are a warrior. Growing old is positively not for wimps. You’re gonna have to adjust to stuff you never dreamed of in childhood, and this is one of them.

     With that said, I’ve just got to commit to a freeze dry session with my doctor since, to my horror, I looked in the mirror yesterday and saw a gray whale staring back at me (I’m not talking about blubber – yet – that’s for another column.)

     So, all of you out there who know what I’m talking about - be kind to your kin and friends. Clean up your act. They’ll thank you for it.

Menopausal Auto Rant: Just say NO!

     Now they’ve done it! They couldn’t stop at blacked-out windows that make it impossible for a pedestrian or driver to look into a driver’s smoked glass to see if that driver is actually looking back at them. (Seeing in, if you don’t know, gives you a hint at whether the offending incognito driver is clueless about your whereabouts and is going to pull in front of you or run you over.)

     Then came the SUVs – or “suck up volumes” as I call them. Cars that, well, like the dogs they escort, have a penchant for rolling over.

     NO, they couldn’t stop there. Now, the GREAT auto manufacturers announce that all the new cars will have slimmer glass along the sides so they can look cool (like a James Dean hot-rod). The visibility will be compromised a bit but, hey, so what if you can’t see the toddler or small animal beside your door? You gotta look boss, right?

     Help me out on this, please. Demand more glass on the side doors, front windshield and any other place where visibility will guard against accidents. Anywhere but the roof, for heaven’s sake. Do we really need to be looking up while we drive?

     Apparently so, because manufacturers’ recent announcements state that there will be more glass on the roofs.

     Inspirational Solution? Just say NO! to auto designers and producers. Just say NO! to ignorance. If you are aging gracefully, you will have developed a greater moral conscience that dictates a NO! . . . 



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